So it’s that time again.
The time that every Augustan dreads.
Sorry guys, what I’m talking about is much worse than pollen
season. It is the dreaded MASTERS
WEEK! Sure, you could submit yourself to
the torture of actually doing something downtown this week with the possibility
of sitting behind a famous person while eating at T-Bones or Chili's
or the
Golden Arches (hey famous golfers love Quarter Pounders as much as I do,
probably).
But I am going to tell you all something that you probably
won’t be able to wrap you brains around until next weekend, when all the
out-of-staters pack up their Mercedes’ and Land Rovers and start driving back
down to Florida or up to the snow-covered North East. Until after they pack all of their golf bags,
hats, shirts, shorts, and funny looking, uh, children into their cars and out
of the homes that locals rent to them for hundreds of thousands of dollars for
a one week stay while we use the deposit on that week to take our 18 children,
aunts, uncles, step-cousins and that dude we met at the party in college
fifteen years ago on a week-long all-inclusive vacation in the Caribbean. Oh, and by we I mean, you know, the locals
that are smart enough and able to do that…because we weren’t this year…I’m
still working and the poor wife is stuck at home in Grovetown with four of the
kids.
But anyway, what I am going to tell you is it isn’t all
bad! Just like the dreaded pollen season
isn’t all bad…I mean, you know, it is great for the bees and for those of us
who bought white cars but later had buyer’s remorse because we were actually
hoping for something a little more yellow…neither is Masters Week.
And here is my list of reasons why I think Masters Week isn’t
all bad:
1 1) There aren’t AS MANY people at work. Yup, if you think the parking lot at work
doesn’t seem as crowded this week, you’re probably right. The smart and well-off people took those
golf-fans money and left for the week.
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2) You can speed on the interstate and not have to
worry about getting a ticket within the vicinity of Augusta. The powers that be don’t want to scare off
the Masters money…so chances are you can get away with a little speeding where
you can’t the other 51 weeks of the year.
Because people that love the Masters so much that they will pay $100k+
for a week of GOLF probably wouldn’t come back if they were pulled over for
driving crazy on the interstate in their black tinted out Suburbans! By the way, I’m joking. If there were any stretches of interstate not
bogged down by annoying golf-loving out-of-staters, you could PROBABLY speed a
little…but watch out! They don’t know
how to drive. Those O-O-S drivers have a
tendency to be in the passing lane until they realize their exit is right THERE
and then they slam on their brakes and fly across one or two lanes of traffic,
who then have to slam on their brakes or end of in a collision. So, yeah, speed with caution.
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3) OK, well, I’m running out of non-sucky things
related to having your home invaded by a bunch of rich stuck-up golf-types…so
this list is going to be short. Number
3, the pollen seems to have taken a temporary break. So that’s not bad, right? I mean, unless you wanted to keep that yellow
car for a little while longer.
